The Ever Funky Funk

I have to admit that I have felt gloomy lately and I hate that. I have so many things to be thankful for that the few things that make me unhappy have produced a guilt effect.

At first I wasn’t able to put my finger on what made me unhappy, but the more and more I thought about it, the more I realized that I was just unhappy in general. I think it goes back to the “more” I was talking about in a previous blog.

As I sat in the same room as Larry yesterday after church while Tanner was napping, I realized that we don’t talk anymore. It’s not that we don’t talk about the big stuff or the important stuff, we just don’t talk. He often does his own thing which forces me to do mine, which I don’t like. It’s not that I can’t entertain myself; it’s just that I want to be with him and have fun with him. For instance, I prayed for a long time for our laptop to break (it was dying anyway) so he would have one less distraction and this past weekend it broke. It completely died which should have been great but he has managed to fill it up with anything and everything in what seems like an effort to ignore me already. He has also not made time for any of the things that I love about fall – a drive along the parkway or a picnic, going to a pumpkin patch or apple orchard, anything outdoors, I’m seriously not picky but he knows these things mean a lot to me and I thought they would be especially fun to do with Tanner.

This is a whole other level of sadness and unhappiness. Sometimes I just look at him and wonder why it’s so hard to talk to me. Most people seem to find me easy to talk to and rather independent so I don’t put out that needy vibe (I don’t think). I just don’t know what’s going on. Our common ground seems to be Tanner and praise God that Larry is a great Dad. He loves Tanner, takes good care of him, and they have fun together. It’s obvious that Tanner adores his Dad too.

I am also unhappy at work, and not because it’s work, but because it’s not challenging. I often feel like I missed my calling because this work just makes me want to bang my head against my desk and I don’t ever feel like I really do anything important. I also find myself day dreaming or wishing I could be anywhere else. I feel like that genius child in the classroom that carries on because they aren’t being challenged and they keep getting more work, not harder work. I feel stifled here and I wish I could stay at home with Tanner. At least part time. I am missing so much and the few hours I get to spend with him in the morning before work and the night before bed is just not enough.

I pray that God will give me some healing and direction. I am listening, intently. I am waiting for some kind of sign. Until then, I will keep praying, watching, and waiting. Your prayers are welcomed.